ah sigh, its friday. another friday. another week completed as a grad. student and a blubbering french ta. thank god. i can’t believe i’m doing this. more and more morgantown feels like home. i live really close to campus, but even though i walk about 5 mins. to get here, being here on campus is like being home. it feels like an extension of my apartment. the office is my office. the mountainlair is my dining hall. and the classroom is my workout room because god knows that this teaching thing is exhausting. and it may sound cheesy, but the people here are my family. i can only imagine how much more difficult it would have been to adjust if this group of people did not take me in an embrace me as much as they did. i guess i have to credit lauren with that. ah little lauren. so full of energy. she literally is like watching fire works.
nikki the italian guy says that i have an accent. i said, really? i never thought so. i think its cute that he said that i have an accent. it makes me feel special in a way because i always thought that i always talked like everyone else. but of course i would think that because i’d lived in eastern pa for most of my life. the exotic accent of the eastern region of pa. where vowels are nasally and soda is soda. and where we do not have pizza rolls…haha.
bon weekend!
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It was another trying day for our pauvre protagonist. but as i was making light of my and my friends’ dire situation regarding the lack of monies in our poche, moussa a very introspective mali-en said with such grace and clarity, ” it doesn’t matter if you are not rich with money, you are already rich here,” as he grinningly pointed to his head. he was very right. i forgot that. he continued to speak of our oppurtunities here with our education. so simple yet so deep. thanks moussa.
Here I am. Exploring parts of WV that I’ve never explored before. Well actually I just went along for the ride because I wanted to get out of Morgantown for a weekend. I am at Snowshoe ski resort. Sans snow. Its funny because that’s the only time I’ve ever been to ski resorts, when there was no snow and the reason that we were here was not snow. The boy and his brother and skinny Aaandrew are here for dh. Me not being the dh type, decided to come along for the much needed relaxation time. I’m not relaxing as much as I wanted though. Maybe its because I’m pms-ing. Girls you know what I mean. Annoyed by any and everything. Super meticulous. And craving odd foods. But it is nice to be away from Morgantown for a bit.
The funny thing is that the people surrounding me here are annoying me, well for right now anyway. Its odd to be surrounded by families and old people who are up in the mountains for a Saturday or now, a Sunday adventure. They look around. At mountains. At people. They “inspect” the beefy bikes hanging around. While saying “Oh I haven’t been on a bicycle since I was younger.” Obviously that was a long time ago and you haven’t been on one since. But if you actually went along with the crazy downhillers here at Snowshoe and saw what they did, you’d probably poop your pants, Grandma.
I realized that I haven’t been around many people over the age of 30 for a bit. And when I’ve been around this younger generation, I’ve been trying to assimilate and change my life. So now I’m here with happy dappy families and their bratty kids and stupid almost senile seniors, and frankly right now, I don’t have the patients for it.
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As always my emotions are up and down. Yesterday I swear that I had temporary bipolar disorder but when you live in morgantown, ie drunkard city, usa, I guess you can’t be expected to love everything here all the time. For example, you know you are living somewhere full of assholes who are only thinking of themselves when….the town library charges you to take out dvd’s!!! “that’ll be $3 please”, WHAT?! Are you freaking kidding me? Does it look like I have $3? That’s why I came to the library in the first place!!!
But on a more positive side, after freaking out yesterday for a bit about how stupid it is to plan lessons, everything is going well. It really is so refreshing and I think rare to have the chance to be surrounded by so many worldly people who ultimately have the same goal as you. I like it.
ah yes. college. no let me correct that, college in morgantown. where the university wines and dines freshmen who pay way too much to go to this school and then give them unrealistic expectations of what college is like. allow me to elaborate. tonight is the first night after the first day of classes. everyone is drunk. the school held an epic event called fallfest complete with semi famous bands and acts from every genre of music, all the while selling beer. now the class of 2012 believes that its ok to be wasted on a monday night even though you probably have class at 8 in the am. no its really not.
on a more positive note, today was my first day of teaching. surprisingly it went well, even though there were a few bumps. today, notice i say today, i am very happy here. i am happy with my colleagues, who are wicked awesome. i am happy with my responsibilities. maybe grad. school is what i was always waiting for. that this is the time where i will truly come into myself. i don’t know. we’ll see, i’m tired. goodnight
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i’m shaky a bit. damn panera bread coffee. its hot today and finally i have time to myself. but as always happens when i drink too much or too strong coffee, i feel excited about something. my body tells me that something is going to happen, something enjoyable. and it will come soon. but as always, i just hang on my porch, now in the sun because of the sun’s changing position in the blue sky. i sit, with my thirsty plant. and i wait. i could’ve have talked to my uncle when he called me, but no he was rejected. i just don’t feel like talking to him. maybe i’ll call him back. after a long day of orientation, honestly i feel like hanging out.
morgantown is surprisingly quiet, for now. but as the day goes on, the louder this town grows. maybe i am due for a nap to fully relax my body and mind. maybe, yes maybe. but first, i’ll water the plant.
i hurt myself. no don’t worry, not physically, i’m not a cutter or anything. i mentally hurt myself. if on a very honest day you would ask me how do i think of myself i would probably tell you that i doubt myself in every aspect of life, that the only reasons things have worked out is pure luck and that i don’t deserve anything good in life. my reasons for believing this, i have no idea. i couldn’t tell you a reason why i tear myself apart. i just do. i am my own worst enemy. what i do to myself and the way i react to it probably constitutes anxiety and any doctor today in the good ol’ us of a would prescribe some numbing drug in a minute to deal with it.
my aunt tried to be my saving grace and took it upon herself to change my mental health. but instead it ended up backfiring against her, and now we don’t speak. i put all my mental disillusions on my boyfriend in our telephone “therapy sessions”. its not right and its not fair to him, but thats what i do.
i feel like i’m shit and i don’t know why. i always say that i’ll stop thinking that way but i never change my ways. i need to take a more proactive approach and tell myself that i am a good person, because that’s all i really want to hear. sometimes i feel so lost in my own thoughts that i can’t breathe. and i mean anyone can blame this kind of crap on a chaotic childhood and shitty parents, but i don’t want to do that. no one is making me feel this way except myself. and oh the beast always rears its ugly head at the most convenient moments.
i look for security and reassurement in everything i do. i need to know that my car won’t get towed as it sits down the block. i need to know that my students will like me from the first day of class. i need to know that my overpriced “prescription” strength deodorant will kick in when most needed, i need to know that its ok to not directly get your ph.d after your masters, i need to know that my boyfriend, friends, and sometimes family love me. in my mind i need to know these things. when in fact i don’t because i have to realize and internalize that i am a good person. things will work out. and they work out because i make them workout because i am independent and focused and driven. i need to un-wimp and just be happy. i need to tell myself that i’m beautiful, healthy, smart, and professor material! i need to change my mind set on life or i will give myself a needless nervous breakdown.
tomorrow is a new day. i have my health. i have a fantastic opportunity in which i intend to take full advantage of. i have the love of my life who i feel will always be with me and that we have the brightest future together imaginable. i’m pretty well off. i guess there truly was great wisdom in that old underrated snl character of al franken’s, i forget his name. he looks in the mirror after every segment and compliments himself. he believes it. i should believe it too.
As always, I can be found on my porch, laptop in lap, trying to find something to occupy myself. I guess I could try planning some lessons…nah!!! Why be productive earlier than I have to be. I should do laundry but that require me taking out money to where my bank account yet again sadly dwindles to $10 and me driving all over morgantown to find a freaking laundry mat! I don’t know if what I’m feeling is anxiety, apathy, or laziness. I guess today my emotion would be: annoyed. I tried to occupy myself with something enjoyable like going to the rec BUT the damn tram is down. Ok. No need for that to ruin my day. Then I decided to go to the lib and take out some dvd’s. Nope, wrong again!! You need to know what you want before you come in, there’s no “browsing catalog”. Damnit! And now I can’t pee because I don’t know when Paul the maintenance man is coming to fix my ever running toilet!!! BAH-HUMBUG!!! Morgantown annoys me today.
Besides that I’m checking my email every ten minutes because I wrote my dad this morning. I was inspired to write him a nice message after not talking to him for over a year now. I guess I just wanted to let him know what I’m doing. I wanted to tell him so much in that email, but held myself back because I never know who would be looking at it and if the info that I would share would come back later to bite me in the butt.
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So here I am bumming on my porch, “borrowing” internet like I’ve done since I got here. My mind is a little fuzzy because I have to bounce back from the crazy dreams I had last night. There were violent and very angry. Dreams are so weird, or in my case my worst enemy. Rarely do I have a good dream. My dreams are always about me getting crapped on by other people. Like last night for example, dream Jon was a terrible person who didn’t care about my feelings at all. So when I wake up I think that it was real and that Jon really did that terrible thing to me. But then there is always that weird pause like “Wait, that wasn’t real, that was just a dream, that seemed really real” But you still have leftover feelings from the dream and you think that Dream Jon and Real Jon are the same person. Oh wait I did have a good dream last night, even though it seemed short and sweet. I think it went like this… I met Johnny Depp, in all his sexy glory. He was super nice. I asked him where he lived in France and he told me Chambery! Ha, I’ve been there I said, the place with four elephants with no ass, he said yes. Then he invited me on his motorcycle and we fooled around on it, and it was amazing. Ha, that’s a pretty sweet dream if you ask me. Johnny Depp, motorcycle, and fun fooling around.
I was a complete sick bum yesterday because I don’t know when to stop drinking, so I need to do something with my life today.
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oh man. i am so overwhelmed right now which leads to feelings of anxiety, shortness of breath, tightness of chest, and headache. i don’t know if i can be a teacher. i don’t know if i can successfully break down lesson plans to teach bratty college kids who don’t give a shit about french the french verb for i am in a well flowing manner. i don’t know. and right now i really don’t care. it seems so elementary to me right now. i came here to study french, not to break down, chew, and spittle the french language into students’ mouths. overwhelmed. poor. lack of sleep. lack of exercise and minimum motivation. all what i feel right now. is it because i just need to adjust. that this, like jon said is like france? i don’t know, but all i do know right now is that i don’t want to talk any more about freaking lesson plans. i could care less about a teaching certificate and i’m glad i didn’t waste my time, and brain cells, at bloom taking education classes. ridiculous. all i care about right now is a) a nice cool drink…which sadly is not possible due to my lack of moneys and embarrassment of paying for one with my bank card and b) finding more silver change so i can walk to the dq downtown and order that happiness giving small chocolate on a cone with sprinkles, yes i’ll take the rainbow sprinkles. but hey, if i’m trying to be positive, which is never the case with me in my own life, at least my toilet is fixed, thanks to paul, my maintenance man, who hopefully didn’t enjoy too much working in my bathroom and apartment, close to my undies and such.
