when one is stressed with lots of things in their life, they deal with their stress in different ways. some people exercise (which i should do today), some people eat (which i did out of need to relinquish dizzy spells), and some don’t eat (which i really wish i didn’t eat those greasy chicken tenders and crap salad).

so its almost the end of another week as a grad. student. besides pseudo mini breakdowns, it was good i guess. sometimes i feel like i’m sinking under my workload. i abandon my hobbies and pleasures to “catch up” the best i can, no not even catch up, but just to do my work. but i still feel like i’m always behind. that my lack of being on top of things all the time is just going to piss someone off. grad. school is great BUT, it can be a lose lose situation.

this weekend i’m racing for wvu again. i think we’re going all the way to south carolina. you would think that i would be dreading the 7 hr/ 14 hr round trip drive…but i’m not. i’ve never ridden before in south carolina and the chance of mtb variation seems exciting. my  mind wonders with what the trail might look like. this weekend i think will be good for my mental equilibrium. i need a break from french stuff. its stressing me out now and i need something else to focus on besides my always present self doubt of french skills and quickly acquiring workload.

after a wonderful weekend with the boy at the dolly sods…it’s now back to work. its now back to tending to what i put off all weekend in order to “relax” in the secluded wet wilderness with the person i love the most. back to school crap. no, but its good. at least i like doing work that has some type of purpose.  even though i have a lot to do.

well first off, my “love weekend” started off with an enjoyable and oh so rare friday day together!!! jon got to come to campus to see my “work”. luckily there were some crazies in the office. and i got to show off the best boyfriend in the world to them. we topped our evening off with a nice hour and a half in front of the tele watching the first presidential debate…GO OBAMA!!!! But honestly this was short lived as we had to head home for some good sleep before our venture into the wilderness. but the next day our prompt and early start was put off to the side for some much needed snuggling and loving-ness.

but we finally got our butts up and out of bed to begin our love weekend in the woods. it was wet. sometimes cold. very muddy. not the most comfortable. but with  jonathan i felt safe and relaxed. i love him no matter where i am: in the middle of morgantown or secluded in the damp woods. he is the best for me.

on top of a mountain together

i knew this time would come. the idiots upstairs are partying. and are obnoxious. i don’t know what they’re doing, but they are loud. and they’re spitting off of their deck which therefore lands inches from my porch. oh how i love college…i hope i don’t have to turn into a bitch tonight. i don’t really care as long as i can sleep. from what it sounds like, they’re going to play poker or something. ah yes, i hear chips, now they’re discussing ping pong balls. what a waste of space to write about the punks who live upstairs. i wonder if they even know i’m down here. i hate college kids. they’re so stupid. and did i mention stupid. the economy is going to shit, we’re losing our civil liberties everyday, people are dieing in a needless war and they’re drinking their faces off…awesome. umm…i might be calling someone tonight…

fatiguely shopping, cranium playing, bike riding with da boys… dark knight watching, beer un-drinking…sleeping in till 1 in the afternoon, long distance walking, foreign laundry toting, man i need some mc do’s, walmart shopping, dead snake stopping, time to go to someone else’s home, tv watching, vacuum building, time to eat chorba, deadly dishwashing, practical magic watching, walking my ass home, friendly ride catching, sitting and relaxing on my porch…almost ready for another week, maybe.

its quiet in the office, for now. god only knows that once its 11:30 + that this place will be a whirlwind of excited and overworked ta’s who are so happy that its finally the weekend but will stay in this office for no reason at all. i haven’t written for a while and i don’t know why. oh yes i do…i have absolutely no time. my days are filled with laptop typings, french lesson teaching, and plainly just screwing around in the name of education and privilege. and i like it. more and more i’m realizing that this is the place where i’m supposed to be. i am extremely happy with my surroundings. i feel that i am stimulated all the time with people who are very similar to me…and i love it.

the boy and i had a long heartfelt conversation last night. as always: one of us is happy and the other is sad. there is a never a happy medium. its funny because the dynamics of our relationship have changed. when i was at bloom, he was always my priority. he still is…but my life was surrounded by him and i chose for it to be that way. but now, our lives are surrounded by me and what i want. its very odd. i need to see him and love him as often as possible. but at the same time, i’m ok if we see  each other every other weekend. whereas, at bloom, i thought i would fall apart without my weekly fri-sun love session. i didn’t know what to do with myself. now, its completely opposite…now i don’t have enough time to spend time with everyone. there’s no doubt that we love each other. i know that he is the one for me. i guess that i’m just comforted with the knowledge that sooner than later he will be in morgantown with me. so if we don’t see each other all the time, its really no biggie because our time is just around the corner!!!!

i really do love him. and lately, i find myself in a romantic mood with edith piaf and billie holiday in my head singing songs of classic love and desire. i think its tristan and isolde’s fault, the middle age novel we just finished reading in meding’s class. real love. which is what jon and i have.

i have that satisfying tired feeling. where your whole body is kinda of humming with muscle tiredness. and so is my brain. as my title implies, i’m waiting for a pot pie to bake in the oven. i wasn’t hungry when i put it in, but i think after 75-80 mins. rolls by, i will be ready for it.

i miss my jonathan. right now my life is very fulfilling just like my stomach will be in…75-80 mins, but i’m missing him. he arrives tomorrow for as always an action packed weekend where intimate times are few but good. i don’t know why we always compromise our together time. i guess that’s the negative way of thinking about it. the positive would be: we are sharing our together time with others. i think that jon and i feel that we can put that off because when we’re old together, we will have plenty of together time.

today we learned about chateaus of the loire in french civ. frankly, i was bored, i was jittery and didn’t want to sit still. i want to go there instead and wonder around my self.  but anyway, someone mentioned when they were describing chenonceau, how henri II and his woman…and his mistress made an emblem of there initials and scattered the symbol throughout the chateau. i liked that idea, so i made one for jon and i…sans a mistress. i would like to scatter that around our chateau, even though we don’t have a chateau.

my giant brown eight legged friend, who resides on my porch, is busy at work at 10:49 at night. you see, her home was violently destroyed last night in the midst of turbulent storm. and now she meticulously and instinctively rebuilds without any evidence of arachnid hesitation. i noticed this sad happening when i came home to my home this afternoon. i was so used to seeing that giant dewy web that stretches half way across my porch. then when i didn’t see it, i was sad. i was sad for her. mais voila, she pushed through reestablishing what she knows best in hopes of trapping a tasty treat to reward her laborious efforts.

and here i sit,  rewarding my laborious efforts with the tasty treat of cheez-its. since my last post, i have been eating as if i had been fasting my whole life. i guess i’m doing this as a reaction to knowing what it feels like to really be hungry and to really be thirsty to the point that it drives you to the loopy side. but as any non denominational practitioner, i do as i want. and what i want is cheez-its. actually some more isn’t a bad idea at all.

as some of you know, or do not know, this month is ramadan. ramadan is a muslim holiday which lasts for a month in which all good muslims fast from sun-up to sun-down. that means no liquids and good food only when the sun sleeps. so for some crazy reason, i decided to do this. its hour i don’t know. i haven’t eaten since last night at 7pm. and i’m sorry oprah, but you can kiss my nutrient deprived ass. king of the hill is better. with a lack of something in our daily lives only increases other things in our lives. so here i am on a couch instead of on a porch, and i’m watching tv. aw yes, tv that luxury that i haven’t had since may. but anywho, i’m not a good muslim, i drank a diet pepsi an hour ago. i gave in. weakness or intelligence? even walking from campus to the car in the parking lot was such an ordeal. i think i can hold out some more hours till my wonderful tunisian feast with samia. but we’ll see. self control…i don’t know. i think it leads to loopiness.

you know how i know this…because they continually run or shall i say fly into my cheap as siding on my house. stupid moths. another long day as a grad. student. if i didn’t have enough school work to do, how about throwing in some mountain biking, or shall i say hill climbing, along with it. the results…tired and apathetic young girl.

my brain is tired. i can’t stand to think anymore. i can’t stand to be bombarded by anything more. i just want to watch tv and just stop thinking for at least 3 hours. but wait, that’s impossible for me, i can’t stop thinking. watching tv will just spawn new conclusions and questions. i wish i could be a little bit more like the rest of america…not so pensive. you know how i know that…because people support the RNC and praise crazy nut job bitch Palin. Oy vay. Seriously, if Obama doesn’t win, I swear to God, Jehovah, Buddah, and Muhammed that I’m moving to Canada.

Le sigh.

here i am. exhausted. i always feel so tired. but this is to be expected after such a busy weekend seeing fam and such. trying to redeem myself to certain family members and trying to spend enough time with others. all the while trying to spend intimate lovey dovey time with the boy. weekends never belong to me. they actually don’t really belong to anyone. but in this case they don’t belong to me. yeah, i wanted to go home and see everyone. but then again, you pretty much have to make time to go home to see everyone so they don’t get mad at you.

but i’ll be honest, it was nice to see everyone. i felt more comfortable and more confident, knowing that when i left there i was returning to my own self made life in morgantown. they’re all curious about my life without them; they all want to know if they can help. and i uncomfortably say, “no thanks, i like to do it on my own. by the way, i’m thinking of getting a scooter,” i never thought i’d see a 50 year old man who drives truck for a living get so excited about the idea of his niece getting a scooter.

so now i’m back here, on my porch. maybe some day this week i’ll call the cable guy. and maybe someday i’ll get that tv at sam’s house so the cable guy will have something to hook the cable up to. and maybe someday i’ll be able to access my OWN internet from the comfort of my hand me down computer desk and chair in my own room. all the while wafting the aromas of dead something that flows throughout my tiny apartment. i hope stephen can do something about that.