i hurt myself. no don’t worry, not physically, i’m not a cutter or anything. i mentally hurt myself. if on a very honest day you would ask me how do i think of myself i would probably tell you that i doubt myself in every aspect of life, that the only reasons things have worked out is pure luck and that i don’t deserve anything good in life. my reasons for believing this, i have no idea. i couldn’t tell you a reason why i tear myself apart. i just do. i am my own worst enemy. what i do to myself and the way i react to it probably constitutes anxiety and any doctor today in the good ol’ us of a would prescribe some numbing drug in a minute to deal with it.
my aunt tried to be my saving grace and took it upon herself to change my mental health. but instead it ended up backfiring against her, and now we don’t speak. i put all my mental disillusions on my boyfriend in our telephone “therapy sessions”. its not right and its not fair to him, but thats what i do.
i feel like i’m shit and i don’t know why. i always say that i’ll stop thinking that way but i never change my ways. i need to take a more proactive approach and tell myself that i am a good person, because that’s all i really want to hear. sometimes i feel so lost in my own thoughts that i can’t breathe. and i mean anyone can blame this kind of crap on a chaotic childhood and shitty parents, but i don’t want to do that. no one is making me feel this way except myself. and oh the beast always rears its ugly head at the most convenient moments.
i look for security and reassurement in everything i do. i need to know that my car won’t get towed as it sits down the block. i need to know that my students will like me from the first day of class. i need to know that my overpriced “prescription” strength deodorant will kick in when most needed, i need to know that its ok to not directly get your ph.d after your masters, i need to know that my boyfriend, friends, and sometimes family love me. in my mind i need to know these things. when in fact i don’t because i have to realize and internalize that i am a good person. things will work out. and they work out because i make them workout because i am independent and focused and driven. i need to un-wimp and just be happy. i need to tell myself that i’m beautiful, healthy, smart, and professor material! i need to change my mind set on life or i will give myself a needless nervous breakdown.
tomorrow is a new day. i have my health. i have a fantastic opportunity in which i intend to take full advantage of. i have the love of my life who i feel will always be with me and that we have the brightest future together imaginable. i’m pretty well off. i guess there truly was great wisdom in that old underrated snl character of al franken’s, i forget his name. he looks in the mirror after every segment and compliments himself. he believes it. i should believe it too.
